Many parents and caregivers often remark that their children are doing “just fine” and don’t seem to be impacted by the death. However, they are affected; they just may not be showing or processing their grief in ways that are expected. Maybe they are not outwardly crying or asking for the deceased. They are still able to play, laugh and be happy. Keep your eyes open and watch for subtle changes, like regression, which may be a child’s way of processing grief and asking for help.
So what does regression look like? Here are some common examples throughout different ages.
Infancy- Age 2: The youngest children sense a change in their environment, schedule and emotions of their caregiver. They may show signs of sleep regression or increased irritability.
Ages 2-5: Preschool children may show regression in sleep with disturbances and fears at bedtime. They may also experience changes in eating and toileting patterns.
Ages 6-10: Elementary school children may express their grief through regressive behaviors such as loss of independent functioning. The child that could get dressed for school on their own suddenly needs help and the presence of an adult. They may also have changes in their sleep patterns and may not want to sleep alone.
Ages 10-13: Middle school children who used to be able to do their homework on their own, may now ask you to sit there with them and be on hand for assistance. They too may regress in the areas of sleep and other independent functioning.
Teenagers: It is less common for teens to exhibit regression symptoms, but some teens may experience lack of independent functioning and sleep disturbances.
As children mature, they reach certain milestones of independence where their reliance on others lessens over time. Regression is a return to a former or less developed state, typically where they again need help from others. There can be many causes of regression, such as a change in environment, change in family system, or change in your child’s care routine. Some of these causal factors can be happy events like the birth of new sibling and some are sad events, such as the death of a beloved family member. Regardless of the cause, these life events can present a real struggle for children.
When the death of a loved one happens, multiple changes occur for a child affecting all aspects of their life. Perhaps the child is no longer staying at the family home. Maybe their primary caretaker is no longer physically or emotionally present in their life. And most importantly, someone they loved has died. Regression is likely to occur and is viewed as a healthy way for a child to meet their emotional needs at a time when life feels overwhelming. A death rocks the foundation of the family and turns their world into an unpredictable place where security is lost. Children want to go back to a time in their life when they had security and safety and therefore regression is a common grief response.
Parents and caregivers often struggle with how to help their children when they exhibit any grief responses, including regression. Most grief responses are healthy ways for a child to process the pain they are experiencing and most behaviors are normal and appropriate. As caregivers, it is important to offer a safe place to share and show feelings. Adults often resist crying in front of children or bringing up the deceased. A “check-in question” with a child or an outward sign of emotion from a grown up may open the door for shared conversation about grief. This can help a child move through their pain with the support of someone who understands.
If you are a parent or caregiver of a child who is struggling with the loss of a loved one, there is professional support available. Please contact Family Support Services at Gift of Life Donor Program for assistance. https://www.donors1.org/donor/fss/
You may also visit the following sites for additional information, resources and support.
The Dougy Center http://www.dougy.org/
Sesame Street http://www.sesamestreet.org/parents/topicsandactivities/toolkits/grief
Contact Carla at clevins@donors1.org or any member of our Family Support Services team by calling 215-557-8090.