The WORST things to say to someone in grief:
1. At least she lived a long life; many people die young.
2. He is in a better place.
3. She brought this on herself.
4. There is a reason for everything.
5. Aren’t you over him yet? It’s time to move on.
6. You can still have another child.
7. She was such a good person; God wanted her to be with Him.
8. I know how you feel.
9. She did what she came here to do, and it was her time to go.
10. Be strong.
Why they are bad:
- They want to fix the loss.
- They are about our discomfort.
- They are directive in nature.
- They rationalize or try to explain away the loss.
- They may be judgmental.
- They are not about the griever.
- They minimize the loss.
- They put a time line on loss.
The BEST things to say to someone in grief:
1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here if I can help in any way.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away.
7. Give a hug instead of saying anything.
8. We all need help at times like this, and I am here for you.
9. I am usually up early (or late) if you need anything.
10. Say nothing; just be with the person.
Why they are better:
- They are supportive without trying to fix the loss.
- They recognize loss.
- They are about feelings.
- They are not telling anyone what to do.
- They admit you can’t make it better.
- They don’t ask for someone to change his/her feelings.
This list is adapted from Davis Kessler, author, Of Grief and Grieving, www.davidkessler.org
Good points but I wanted to comment on the one about call me at any time. Sometimes, it’s awfully hard to pick up that phone and say you need to talk because you don’t always know what you really need and think nothing can really help. I suggest to call your friend or family member to acknowledge their on-going grief and see if they’d like you to come over and go for a walk or out to lunch. And if you aren’t close enough to physically visit, why not call and share a memory of their loved one?
thank you for this information and blog. Nicely said.
Renee D. Freeman
Another bad comment I heard after my mother died was “It will get better with time”. Not true and it really made me mad when someone said that to me. I felt like the person who made the comment was insensitive to the grief I had then and still have 7 years later. It truly is better just to say nothing and hug a grieving person.
Couldn’t agree more, AnnMarie, thank you for sharing. That is also a good example of what NOT to say to someone in grief.