On April 2, 1993 God gave me a special gift, Chanel was born to me. I did not understand why me or how it could be that I had a child with a heart defect. I felt sorry for myself and soon one defect led to another and then another. More why me's came along with deep depression and a strong sense of mourning. I suddenly mourned all I was losing, her first prom, graduation, her wedding day and my future not to have grandchildren. One day it finally became clear to me if I didn't stop this I would completely miss all the wonderful things Chanel did have to offer me. I then started concentrating on loving her unconditionally. Oh how I loved her. She loved me back just as much. I noticed all the good things that had been there all along right in front of me that was once shadowed by self pity. She was strong willed and full of an amazing spirit. She would get so ill and always came up smiling and full of love. I learned to feed her soul, the entity within and tired to make her as happy and as comfortable as possible. Years passed and together we weathered many storms always holding on to each other tightly. She taught me so much. I learned unconditional love and realized God had been with me all the time. Over the years I prayed, as all of you could imagine, I prayed God to help me see her through her life and to endure the tasks at hand. I prayed that God would take her before me so that she would only know our love, never to be left to strangers. Finally I prayed the ultimate prayer that when the time was right I'd know and let her go peacefully.
Well on May 27, 2005, God took Chanel and me in his hands. He granted her peace and held me close so I knew this was the time to let go. I knew that it was time to give her back to him. Giving her back hurt more than I could ever tell you. God knew what he was asking me to do was hard, so he took Chanel's grandmother just a few weeks before to provide me with the comfort of knowing she would be received in loving hands. Immediately God sent us love ones and friends, both old and new, to hold us tight and to walk with us through the physical pain while he held us spiritually. The emotional and physical support has been truly tremendous. We shared tears, hugs, pain and laughter together. It didn't matter what role you played in our grief, we appreciated every last one of all of you.
The first few hours and days I asked Chanel to give me a sign, something I would recognize it was from her. The day was warm and sunny, then it clouded up quickly and rain poured from the sky. I asked her once again for a sign and told her a rainbow would be nice. Minutes after my request, the sun came back and the most beautiful, vibrant rainbow appeared. I was positive it was mine. The Bible describes a rainbow as a new beginning. She was working with God to tell me everything was going to be all right. At her funeral I asked a dear friend and her art teacher to give her eulogy. Without my knowledge he brought was one of her last works of art. Yes it was rainbow. She painted me a rainbow. She confirmed what I already believed to be true, it was my sign. She did things this way because she knew sometimes I needed extra convincing. So as usual she was bound and determined to get her point across loud and clear. I proudly display my Picasso in my living room. Its my new beginning.
Chanel was a faithful servant of God sent here to teach us unconditional love, patience, tolerance and a whole lot of compassion. Her smile was contagious. Her spirit was unstoppable. She showed each and every one of you what a wonderful gift all our children are. A gift to be cherished, not to be taken for granted. God shows us everyday through their innocence the way if only all of us would look more often. I am so grateful Chanel chose me to be her mom. I'm grateful for every year we had and definitely I do not say why me anymore. With sadness and joy in my heart I send you our most sincere thanks for the tears, letters, the cards, the flowers, the food, the hugs, the monetary help, the many visits. All the kindness and love you showed us through this very difficult time. I wish you all lives full of blessings and I hope every time you see a rainbow, it gives you hope, peace and joy.
God Bless You All,
The Dedic Family
Julie, Ratko, and Chase