Donor family members are often disappointed when they have not heard from their loved ones’ recipients. While many would agree that a thank you note is a kind and appropriate gesture, there are several valid reasons why one may chose not to write.
There are a variety of reasons why some recipients don’t initiate the correspondence process or respond to letters from their donor’s family. Generally speaking, this is a very unique relationship and many people are unsure how to navigate it. Instead of opening the door to the unknown, they may choose the path of least resistance and leave it shut. Many recipients feel very overwhelmed at the thought of their life continuing on when someone else’s ended. Often, there is a level of “survivor guilt” that may be present. For some recipients, hearing from a donor’s family about the person who died could be emotionally difficult. To write a letter may be a hard task for them to accomplish. Perhaps they don’t feel “worthy” of this immense gift or cannot put into words how this feels.
Also, some recipients may have a difficult recovery period or have not had the restored health they hoped for post-transplant. They may not want to share their health status with their donor’s family in the event that this would be a disappointment. Lastly, some patients, while the sickest and in most need, may not have the personality that lends itself to expressing their emotions.
Recipients are encouraged by their transplant centers to write letters of thanks to their donor’s family, but unfortunately this is not something that is a requirement once receiving an organ. Gift of Life Donor Program also offers “writing kits” for the transplant centers to provide to their recipients to assist them with the writing process. Family Support Services counselors at Gift of Life also hold “Writing to your Donor Family” workshops at area transplant centers and at Gift of Life Howie’s House to talk with recipients about the importance of writing and to acknowledge the emotional aspects of the process.
If you would like to know more about the correspondence process you can contact Family Support Services.
Additionally, Hearts of Gold is a volunteer group of donor family members, whose aim is to address the specific needs and issues of these families. The group focuses on how donor families can educate the public about organ and tissue donation, and acts as a support system for other families whose loved ones have made the generous decision to donate in their time of grief.
Hi. We would love if someone could send us a writing kit. We have yet to Thank my son’s donor family. Riley is now 8 and 3 years post heart and bilateral lung transplant!!
Thank you
If you look at this webpage it might help you find answers.
https://www.donors1.org/donor/writingrecipient/
hope this helps
Hello Carol,
If you contact me and provide me with your full name, your son’s name, and address, I would be happy to mail a writing kit to you.
clevins@donors1.org
215-557-8090 x1104
Take care,
Carla
Hi. I wrote to my donor family about a year after my heart transplant. Never heard back from them. I don’t know if they ever received my letter. It’s been 13 years and would love to write again but I’m not sure that the donor family would like to hear from me since I didn’t hear back from them. Maybe it’s too difficult for them.
Jacqui,
If you email me your full name and date of transplant I can look into your letter and assist you with writing another letter.
clevins@donors1.org
Take care,
Carla
I have not yet written a letter because I just cannot find the words to express how I feel. My 9 yr old son is now 18 months post heart transplant. Our center did not provide much support with letter writing, I was only given one small pamphlet that really was not much help. I feel the need to express my gratitude to the donor family and that I have already waited too long at this point. Can you please send me some information to guide me in this process?
Hello LaVonne,
Please be in touch and provide me with a phone number to contact you. I would be happy to help guide you through the letter writing process.
clevins@donors1.org
215-557-8090 x1104
Take care,
Carla
This letter is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I see published samples of other people’s letters and to me everything sounds so trite. We need to say so much more than thank you but there’s so much guilt too. My 20m old son is 10m post heart transplant and I still haven’t sent the letter I’ve written. I’ve been writing and re-writing this letter for 6 months.
Telling your donor family that you haven’t found the right words to say thank you is still a touching way to say thanks.
As a donor wife, I wanted to know that our recipients were survivors. It was very comforting to know our family’s loss was not the end of my husband.
My mom and I thanked the donor family immediately my dad’s liver transplant. We never heard back from them and I understand how diffficult it must be. My dad himself had a much more difficult time than my mom and I. I think for him it was and still is sureal. He was sick and disoriented from the toxins leading up to the transplant and has had other health issues pretty consistently since. I will never even able to truly express all that I feel.foe.the donor family. My dad walked me.down the aisle. Something I didn’t think.would be possible. The best thing I think is to pay it forward and encourage family and friends to sign-up to be donors.
My son received his liver at age 17. We were told it was from a college student who was in a car crash. He tried numerous times to write a note but would get so intensely upset, I would have to calm him down. He realized the donor was about his age and couldn’t imagine what the family was going through. It took him until he was over 21 to even try and drive a car. He also knew that there was a 30% chance the disease process would return and felt extremely guilty that this wonderful gift would go to waste. He is now on the waiting list again as the disease has returned. The guilt he feels is tremendous. He knows how lucky he has been to have had the past six years and prays for the family who lost their child. He didn’t want to add to their grief if they learned that part of their child was dying. Please know every situation is different and very emotional!
I live in slc, Ut. and I’m wondering where this seminar is taking place?
I have written to my son’s recipients twice now and would love to get advice on how to help them want to write me back. I will say I that the heart recipient and I met in Feb of this year, 2016 and it has been so healing to have met her. I wold love to have contact with them all.
Hello Crystal,
The workshop is being held in Philadelphia, PA.
Please contact the organ procurement organization in Utah, Intermountain Donor Services, for personalized support regarding writing again.
http://www.idslife.org/
800-833-6667
Take care,
Carla
I wrote 3 letters an never got a response my daughter donate her organs with LifeGift in Houston Texas